Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013… Grab a pen. Here are a few words of wisdom by gselevetor.

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Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013… Grab a pen. Here are a
few words of wisdom.
Congratulations, you made it. You are a 2013 Goldman Sachs Summer
Analyst.

You might feel like you just crossed the finish line. But the race
hasn’t even started yet.
Most banks hire the majority of their 1 year Analysts from the intern pool.
They’ve proven themselves. They’re likely to accept the offer. And it saves
HR a shitload of time and money.
Don’t worry if you don’t make the cut. You ‘ve been vetted and hired by
Goldman fucking Sachs. Even if this is your last dance here, there are plenty
of Vineyard Vines wearing, New Canaan commuting, Morgan Stanley name-
dropping ‘rainmakers’ waiting to pick you up and dust you off. Not making
the cut at Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. You’ll still probably
make millions, but it’s just not the same.
So here are 20 tips to help you with your journey:
1. If your boss smokes, smoke.
2. If your boss is Indian or Pakistani, learn the rules of cricket. He
probably also smokes, so see #1. But be careful, if he doesn’t, he’s
a vegetarian yogi.
3. Don’t wear Hermes ties, ever. You have to earn it.
4. Buy a decent suit or 3, but no cuffed or pleated pants. And don’t
wear a tie unless you might have a meeting. No one likes that kind
of kiss-ass.
5. Learn how to tie a double Windsor; just make sure the knot’s not too
fat.
6. Keep your shoes shiny, but don’t let anyone see you having your
shoes shined. You have to earn it.
7. If you went to a decent boarding school, subtly find out if anyone
who matters went to the same school. Boom, he’s your rabbi. At
this point, no one cares about college credentials; it’s a given.
8. As it relates to fellow interns, make no mistake about it – it’s war:
1. Let’s be clear. It’s impossible to compete with female interns.
And it’s not cool. So don’t bother trying.
2. When a fellow intern leaves his desk, change his screen (or
screens) to rolex.com, porsche.com, or morganstanley.com.
3. Come up with dismissive nicknames for fellow interns (Chico,
Bud Fox, Fredo, Bubba, etc.). Hope that it catches on.
4. When a fellow intern leaves his computer unlocked at the end
of the evening, change the signature on his Email settings.
Using white font, add any variety of obscene words. No one
will see it… except for IT and HR.
9. Don’t be too good to do the coffee runs. It shows confidence. Just don’t
fuck it up. If you can’t be trusted with coffee, how can you sell bonds or
manage risk.
10. Call Bloomberg and have them give you a tutorial on functions. It’s free.
And most EDs and above are still using functions and short cuts from 5+
years ago. It’s an easy way to impress them. And many of the Bloomberg
girls are hot.
11. Leave a jacket on the back of your chair at all times. While you are at it,
keep a tie in your drawer. Zegna is a good choice.
12. Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of your
group for the week ahead. She’s dumb enough to think you are being
proactive. But now you know when you can sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the
traffic to Southampton.
13. Never tell racist jokes. Always repeat racist jokes in the proper company
and be sure to credit ‘the other intern’ who told you.
14. Don’t offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors; you can’t afford
them and it won’t score any points.
15. Don’t brag about being a decent golfer. This should be a given.
16. Bang a (female) intern, and tell the Associates and above about it. If
they haven’t ever done it, they sure as hell always wanted to. They’ll respect
you for it. And you’ll always be the guy that banged her first, before she
ends up marrying that dickhead PMD in Emerging Markets. After all, Ray J is
still famous.
17. An MDs jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving
end of a joke, you better laugh with it. If you take yourself too seriously, no
one else will. This is Wall Street; there is no such thing as ‘bullying’.
18. Acknowledge the quotes from Caddyshack or Fletch, but don’t make any
yourself. You have to earn it. And don’t initiate the fist bump that comes
with ‘Charge it to the Underhills’.
19. This might be the most important one. It’s okay to make a mistake or ask
a question. But don’t ever ask the same question or make the same mistake
twice. If you do, just know that the world needs ditchdiggers too.
20. Don’t talk in the fucking elevators… or at a bar.
*21. Follow @GSElevator on Twitter

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